It’s interesting how many people are unaware of certain states of thinking and how these patterns of thought show up in their everyday lives. Shame is not a very popular way in which most people would describe how they experience common, daily activities. For example, a young man who likes playing sports but prefers to play alone may not see how shame prevents him from engaging with groups. A woman may desire a birthday celebration for herself but chooses an intimate gathering instead all to avoid the preconceived embarrassment of guests not showing up. Oftentimes, shame is masked as fear of rejection, procrastination, and avoidance. It rears its ugly head on several occasions including embarking on new adventures, trying something again, or in relationships.
Shame is defined as a painful feeling of embarrassment, humiliation, or distress that arises in relation to the perception of having done something dishonorable, immoral, or improper. It’s important to note that shame can be the result of your own actions or the actions of others connected to you. One can be shamed simply by words spoken by other people to or about them; where no action on their part has taken place.
An Attitude of Shame
Understanding what shame is helps us to see it when it shows up. In addition, it also aids us in discovering whether or not we have an attitude of shame altogether. When you experience an event or emotion long enough, it can become part of your mindset; causing your automatic responses to be based in prior engagements. In other words, it creates a schema. Think of schemas as filters used to process new information and events. For example, when the young man mentioned early on in this entry is invited to play ball with a group of colleagues after work, his processing of this invite may automatically take him back to college when he had a really rough game during the championship season.
This memory, along with how his teammates responded to him, acts a schema telling him that he’s not good enough to be on a team and that it's better to play alone. Schemas create the framework for how we think; they come up with assumptions about future events. Schemas should be seen as neutral but should also be rooted in wholesome experiences and in truth. If they aren’t, schemas will work against you. This makes it even more important to deal with events as they occur so that they don’t create a mindset of toxicity, in this case - shame.
It is vital to understand that one experience or even several similar experiences overtime do not determine the outcome of what is to come. And they definitely do not define you or determine your worth. This is where many people find themselves stuck; too afraid to move forward due to previous results. Again, experiences don’t define the person; even more so, one can actually define experiences. Trauma is not the event but how the event is interpreted by the person exposed to it. This is why two people can encounter the same or similar events yet derive at two different outcomes. One will be motivated to succeed while another can get lost in their journey.
Remember, experiencing shameful events shouldn’t lead to you being ashamed of yourself. All thoughts and emotions seek a host to live from. When you see yourself as the lifeline to thoughts and emotions, you are then placed in the position to decide which ones will be produced through you.
The Shame of Others
As mentioned, shame can also be the result of what others have done or said to or about you. Many people are carrying the shame of others unaware. This tends to happen when someone is abused, rejected, or bullied. Without comfort and healthy coping skills, a person can take on humiliation by way of blaming themselves for other people’s actions. For example, the young woman who would prefer a big birthday bash doesn’t plan for one because people didn’t show up to her last party. This has nothing to do with her, yet she succumbs to believing it must be something about her people just don’t like. The fear of embarrassment is rooted in shame. The thought of being humiliated causes her to make other plans.
Don’t allow previous relationships or encounters dictate how you live moving forward. It’s imperative to isolate events from your self-worth. It’s equally important to not judge others in your life based on prior occurrences and past relationships.
LifeWork
Again, shame can very well become a belief system and operate in the background of how you feel, think, and experience life.
Take at least 30 minutes to consider areas where you may feel defeated, embarrassed, or reluctant. Is it starting a new project, doing something you've never done before, attending an event, or cultivating a new relationship? Do your best to tap in, ask, and discover where the root of shame may stem from, then challenge yourself to take a leap of faith.
No matter the outcome, do not allow the results to define your worth.
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Tashima Jones is an author and life coach who focuses on personal development and building inner-wealth. Tap here for more on her coaching sessions. Not a Member? Join the Club here.
This content is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.